Dealing Effectively with Confrontations

I was filing papers yesterday when I came upon a little piece of paper upon which I had written five very important lines. Seeing that paper took me back in time.

Years ago, when I first became a supervisor, I had the opportunity to receive one hour of coaching on the topic of supervising. What a boon that was! Before the session, the coach had asked that I think about an area of concern I wanted to discuss. My real dilemma at that time was how to deal effectively with confrontations.

I am by nature a very non-confrontational person. I dislike negativity. I dislike loud or angry discussions. I dislike being at odds with others. But I knew, as a supervisor, I would be faced with confrontations. The confrontation might be inbound -- a disgruntled employee who felt treated unfairly -- or it might be outbound -- my need to address an employee on unacceptable behavior. Either way, I knew that stress for me loomed on the horizon.

That day, I learned five things that have helped me deal effectively with confrontations for many years.

Assume Benign Intent
Drop Your Breath
Deflect The Aggression
Diffuse The Emotion
Address The Issue

The first step is critical. In order to work effectively through a confrontational situation you must be calm. It is hard to be calm if you go into the confrontation feeling the other is acting maliciously. Start off in as neutral a manner as possible. Assume Benign Intent.

When stress levels are rising, our breath becomes quicker and more shallow. This response in turn makes you feel more tense. Take three or four deep breaths. You will immediately feel calmer and be better prepared for the next steps. Drop Your Breath.

Oftentimes confrontation seems like it is coming right at you, even if the confrontation isn't about you at all. In order to proceed to the next steps, you must move past this. The visual I use for this step is literally moving my hand to shield against the confrontation and flick it away. Deflect The Aggression.

A joke can take the heat right out of a contentious situation, but if joking is not your strength or if it seems inappropriate to joke at this point in the confrontation, don't do it. Openly acknowledging that the other has a valid reason to be concerned can also take the heat out. Either way, take steps to Diffuse The Emotion.

Now that the situation has been calmed, you can get down to the real heart of the confrontation itself without stress or fear. At this point, it is critical that you try to assess the true nature of the confrontation and Address The Issue.

As Winston Churchill said, "It is wonderful what great strides can be made when there is a resolute purpose behind them." Resolve today to practice dealing effectively with confrontations. It is a skill that won't let you down.

 -- Lynn Thompson Baca